Tuesday, February 15, 2011

It's a Man's World, But...

I just crept out the house.  It's 5:15 in the morning and I'm at the laundry mat writing this blog.  I made sure that I packed my old pen and pad for the journey.  Once my tax refund gets here, no more trips to the laundry mat.  I don't mind being here this morning, it's quiet; no one here except me and the attendant.  Thank God for twenty-four seven laundry mats. 

The boys are all asleep, at least that's what they want me to believe.  My fiance', and not to make him sound like a cad, but I guess he can be considered one for the moment, never sleeps through me getting up to go to the bathroom, let alone, piddling through the house, turning on lights, opening up squeaky doors and dresser cabinets.  In his defense, he does have a bruised rib, which for the life of both of us, don't know what he did to get it.  He's been walking gingerly around the house like an old man.  Two hot bath soaks and he feels a little better than when he first discovered the pain the day after we celebrated one of his cousins' birthdays on last Friday.  Note to self:  Never have that much fun again to the point that no one knows how they injured themselves. 

I'm thinking back now, last year after trying out a new drink called either Hurricane or Earthquake; I'll call it "Natural Disaster" for now, things got kind of crazy.  See, I like trying out the latest sweet drinks that come in the can.  This particular one, "Natural Disaster" was 12% alcohol.  I had had a Tilt earlier, which is another 12% alcohol beverage.  So, between the Natural Disaster and a drink that sounds like an amusement park ride, I almost emptied my bladder before making it to the restroom.  Let me take you on the journey.  I had been watching my fourteen year old practicing football with his team.  It's a rather boring act, so I figured I'd entertain or should I say medicate myself, while waiting for the two hours to pass.  I had had the Tilt earlier in the day; oh, don't act like I'm the only stay-at-home mom that partakes of grown-up beverages during the day, while the children are away, but perhaps I am?

Anyway, I popped opened the can of Natural Disaster and sipped slowly.  By the time practice was over, I was feeling no pain, except in the southern regions.  I thought I could make it home, I only live seven minutes away; okay, it's probably really like fifteen if I actually drove the speed limit.  So I'm getting closer to the house and from the feel of it, I only have a few seconds to make it, okay, I'll say a whole minute, before I wet myself, and if you've ever...okay, don't act like you've never had an accident in your adult life, okay, maybe I'm the only one that's going to be honest here; that's fine.

So, I'm running as fast as I can, after barely shutting off the car.  My sons are looking at me like I'm crazy, but I've already warned them that I HAVE to go.  Actually, I had instructed my youngest to go ahead and open the front door so that all I had to do was run straight to the bathroom.  Of course that would have been too much like right, what was I thinking?  Well, he wasn't moving as fast as I needed him to, so I ran past him, opened the front door, tripped over my coffee table, went skidding across my living room floor, sliding face first into the dining room area, got up, fell into my dining room table, which didn't budge, ripped my too-tight pants down and plopped on the toilet.  DON'T YOU DARE JUDGE ME!  I guess I forgot to tell you that I am brutally honest, even if it makes myself look bad.  Needless to say, I've never put my lips on another can of Natural Disaster, nor will I ever.  I don't even know if they still sale that stuff; they shouldn't, it should be illegal.

Now that I've probably told you TMI about my personal life, which I'm thinking, if more people would be like me, this world would be a better place.  Oops, let me clarify, not the drinking part, but being real about who they are, used to be, whatever.  Getting back on topic, if I can find my way back, I was just saying, in my house, I feel I'm the "man" of the house.  I left my sleeping men to go into the, not yet lit up sky, to make sure that they greeted the world with fresh, clean clothes.  We were originally supposed to do it yesterday, but because of my blogging addiction, the time got away and before I knew it, my crew had fallen asleep.  I woke them up to let them know that we'd do the laundry early in the morning, before school.  Well, like I said when I started this post, I crept out the house at 5:15 a.m. and here I am.  Until the next time..."Live yourself by loving yourself."