Thursday, June 6, 2013

Uncertain Future

Wow, it's been a little minute since I blogged over here, but that's alright, just means life has been lived.  So many things have taken place in my life and if I had a reality show, I'm almost certain, I'd have high ratings.  When I sit back and think about all of the events that make up the web of my life, my life could very easily be written into the lines of a soap opera.  Some people say they have no life at all, I say I have an excess of life. From one day to the next, you just never know what's going to take place.  I have teens, so that says a lot within itself.  As of last week, I had a relationship, but not sure where that is right now.  All of my adult life, I've been in a relationship, and the thought of being single at such a late age in life has me feeling giddy, as well as sad, at the same time.  Sad because this last relationship was supposed to last to the term of marriage and beyond.  We gave it four years, but seems like it just fizzled out towards the end.  Giddy because I know that being on my own can only open up endless, positive possibilities that I've not been allowed to explore for working diligently on whatever relationship I was in.  My mind is focused on the many projects that I've let sit dormant over the years.  There are plenty that I've started and they've sat, probably wondering when, oh when, would they see me again.  With my mind now free to wrap itself around said projects, I can only hope that no other life crisis pops up to distract me.

The last few days, I've found myself wandering around the house, seemingly "lost and out of place," for a lack of a better phrase.  As the reality sets in that I am single, I'm going to have to switch up my routine as well as my mindset.  There has almost, always been a we, when it came down to my thoughts. Now, me, myself and I are the new we, that I must focus on.  I gotta figure out what we are supposed to be doing now that there is no couple residing under this roof.  Each day that I've awakened since the break-up, the next day, I don't even know how I made it thru.  But one thing is for certain, life must go on, steps must be made, in order to get past the period of pain.  Time will eventually ease the sickening feeling of loss, erase the dull ache deep in my heart, but yet I still have to get to that point.  And I'll get there, cause I've been in this place before, many years ago, but for some reason, and I do know the reason, it just feels this time will be far more a greater challenge.  But I've been challenged all of my life and made it through each and every one.  I believe the fact that it is so late in my life, so past many lessons, that I look at this situation with a sense of knowing.

The knowing comes from wisdom, comes from experience, comes from living.  I know that nothing is as it seems, I know that time has a way of flipping the script to the point that you can't possibly know what's really going on.  All you can do is wake up each day, live that day out and go on to the next.  Right now, I'm half way through the day, haven't even logged on to work, but have taken a shower, written a short story and even penned this blog posting.  The house has a totally different feel to it.  The kitchen sink is actually empty, the sitting room is clutter free, could this be a sign that my surroundings are reflective of my present state of mind?  I've not eaten today, not a big eater when my heart is troubled, but I'll grab something before the night is over.  Well, I feel like I've done something purposeful today, even if it's just random ramblings.  We'll see what tomorrow brings.  Until then, live, love and learn.  Peace.