Friday, June 7, 2013

No Celebration Today

Okay, so it's June 7, 2013, the first time in the past four years that I'm not celebrating an anniversary.  Ever since I met the man who immediately became my fiance', we've celebrated the 7th of each month.  This year, there won't be a celebration.  He's been gone from my home since the 2nd of June.  Both of us pretty much got fed up with each other.  Our relationship was supposed to last forever, if there was such a thing.  He swore he wasn't ever going anywhere.  Well as always, his actions outweighed his words.  Do I blame him for getting tired of all of the arguing that led up to him leaving, of course not.  I'd get tired of it too.  But technically speaking, he brought it on himself.  I'm a simple lady, settled in my ways and don't ask for much.  The problem was, he was not as settled as I thought he was.  I was a homebody, when we first met, he hung around me like he was too.  We were inseparable.  But as time went on, he settled into his hanging out routine, as if he was not in a relationship.  He spent more time away from home, in other people's homes, than I could stand.  It became unbearable for me after he lost his job.  Instead of working harder around the house, while I continued to work my online jobs, he spent time away from home as IF he was still working on someone's job.  I'd gripe like nobody's business when he did return, when he was around.  I made life a living hell, if I wasn't happy, no one was going to be happy.  So that's pretty much what pushed him out the door.  He felt I was being unreasonable as he was doing all he could to secure another job.  He didn't get it that if you can't contribute financially, you need to be contributing all other kinds of ways to the household.  There were plenty of projects he could have started and completed around the home-front, but instead, he ignored what needed to be done and left the scene, I guess, to keep from being depressed.

Anyway, as you can see, it's early in the a.m. and I'm usually still tucked away under the covers.  I actually slept on the couch last night.  Not sure why, probably because the bed reminds me of us and it's settling in that there might not be an "us" again, so I'm going through the motions of withdrawal.  I'll probably go back and lay down for a few more hours, but wanted to kick off my new routine.  Gotta keep it moving so I won't get depressed.  The weekend is coming and my 16 year old will be home for two days.  I'm really excited about that and hope I can pull it together for him.  Fourteen year old has had to watch me try to keep it together.  He came around he corner and caught me crying the other day in the living room.  Two days earlier he asks why am I so sad.  He said, "you just went through a whole bunch of stuff with him and now you're free, why are you so sad"?   I had to explain to him that love is a process and just like you gradually fall into love, you've got to gradually fall out of love completely and there are going to be sad times even when the best thing was for it to end.  I try really hard not to let them see me down.  So many count on me being up, so I have to pick and choose when I can let my true emotions flow.

Well, I think this constitutes as a post.  I'll leave you all to the rest of your day.  Mine doesn't have to start for a while now, so I'll definitely get some more shut eye.  Make sure you catch me on the cam around 3:00 p.m. central at one of my spots for the show.  The Show  Until then, live, love and learn.  Peace.