Thursday, January 5, 2012

Today I Cried

Yep, today I cried.  I don't cry that often; I'm too strong for that.  But I wasn't always THIS strong, so over the years, from birth to about three years ago, I'd say I've cried an ocean of tears for some reason or another.  For the most part, I've not had a reason to cry.  Well I have, but what good would crying do, it wouldn't help the situations that I've been dealing with, so why waste the energy?  But today I cried.  I let a multitude of years gone by worth of disappointment, confusion and frustration pour out of my eyes in the form of tears, as my throat threw up pitiful sounds of heart wrenching moans that only God could possibly understand.  I sobbed uncontrollably as my fiance', who had made the mistake of showing disappointment the night before in regards to what he thought I had prepared for dinner and finding out it wasn't what he thought it was, tried to console me.  Too late for consolation.  It was his innocent act of disappointment that triggered my crying session as he tried to explain his attitude from the previous night and apologize for upsetting me. 

Although 2011 was a great year in regards to me fulfilling some of my goals, it was also plagued with things that I never thought I'd have to go through.  Never say never, huh???  Too draining to elaborate, I'll just say that my relationship with my daughter is strained, my fiance' and I were separated for three months due to his past, my son got caught up with some bad kids and is away from home until he can prove his innocence, my finances are STILL lacking despite my feverish attempts to change that daily, are among the top things that I've been dealing with.  And on top of all of those things, right before the New Year arrived, some crazy, drug induced fool attempting to smash in one of God's great creations; my face, by throwing a brick, like a fast ball at Cardinal Stadium, at my windshield, passenger side, as we made our way down to an exclusive event  celebrating my fiance's cousin's birthday.  Not wanting to miss the evening we had been waiting for, I coaxed my dear into handling his "business" after the evening was over.  As luck or fate would have it, he was able to take out the money for the new window on the guy's entire outer shell, satisfying us for the moment.

I must say that crying did not change anything that I am dealing with, but the release, although leaving my eyes looking like those of a newborn, naked mole rat once I finally woke back up, has lightened my spirit.  I think about that song where it says, "let her cry cause she's a laaaaadddddaaaaayyyyy" and I remember that it's okay for me to cry when I need to.  Holding tears back cause I think it's weak was something that I never thought while growing up.  I cried about everything.  Not that I'm going to begin crying again about EVERYTHING, but this cry that I cried today, felt great.  It made me feel human again, instead of like a superwomanish robot.  I'm a lady, it's okay to cry, it doesn't mean I'm weak, just means I have emotions and tears are a tool of release.  Let yours flow as well.