To Have Loved and Lost

LOVE GONE WRONG

Pain so intense, I wish I could stop this insanity

heart pumping blood; so full of life,

yet I’m walking around like a zombie

Twisted, wrung tight, gasping for breath

life being choked out, massive cardiac arrest

Mind, soul and body, weak from despair

drowning in sorrow, trying to come up for air

Love gone wrong; sick, twisted, hurts and emotion

take me out with some lethal potion.

Trisha Martin Copyright (c) 2011

This post is being written for THE POETRY CONTEST at Blogjunta.com as a part of WOMAN & BLOGGING month.  Check it out over at http://www.blogjunta.com/

Let's Pay It Forward

Okay my blogging sistas, let's get this party started.  The Paper Princess over at Create With Joy got this idea from one of her blogging sistas, Shirley Ng-Benitz of Shirley's Illustrations and I'm passing the information and love to you my dear reader.  The concept of "Paying it Forward" is to extend an act of kindness to someone just for the pure joy of it, never expecting anything in return, except a warm and fussy feeling.

What each "Pay It Forward" participant is to do is offer your loyal readers something that will let them know how much you appreciate them, you know, share some love.  I'm offering the first three (3) commenters on this post, one of my Message From the Heart Pillows.  After you comment, I will ask that you send me an email with your physical address so that I can send it to you.  If you would like it to go to a P.O. Box, just give me that address.

Anyway, go on over to The Paper Princess' blog and get the official details on how this thing REALLY works.  I'm sure she explains it better than I did.  Until next time..."Live your life by loving yourself."

Quiet Morning

This morning, unlike yesterday morning, was very quiet.  Even though I got woke up by both of my boys, it was okay.  This was after my fiance' had gotten up and made sure that the boys were up and at-um.  My youngest came in to show me his home work, and by now, I've forgotten what the, oh, yeah, my fourteen year old wanted to know where the iron was.  He found it without me ever having to leave the bed.  It was great not having the threat of busting a blood vessel this morning.  Yesterday, after my youngest got home from school, I apologized to him about having to verbally beat him up.  I told him that his brother had worn his grey shirt that he had been looking for.  The fourteen year old comes home yesterday and takes off of his uniform shirt, displaying a very tight fitting grey shirt.  I informed him that his brother had been looking for that shirt, and it almost cost him his life.  I told him to keep his butt out of his brother's stuff, looking like Baby Huey.  He wanted to know who Baby Huey was, whom he thought I was talking about a rapper from our home town; NOT.  I pulled up Youtube and showed him the duck from back in the day.  We had a good laugh.

When my youngest got home from school, like I said, I apologized to him.  I told him that his brother had worn his shirt and that I had told his brother that he looked like Baby Huey.  He, too, thought I was talking about the rapper from our home town; NOT.  I pulled up Youtube again to show him the cartoon from long ago; we had a good laugh.  While standing in front of the television watching something, my youngest puts his arm around me and kisses me on the cheek.  Obviously he has forgiven me for almost jacking him up, that morning.  At that moment I realized that when I have to be tough with my kids, they don't hate me.  They know that I'm only being a mother and that as long as they do what they're supposed to do, then I don't have to get jiggy with them.  Even after putting my fourteen year old in a headlock one evening, the next day I talked to him about the incident and he understood that I'd do it again if I had to, but that I never wanted to get to that point again. 

Like I said, somewhere else, my three sons will all tower over me before they are finished growing, BUT, they do know that momma will rule, no matter how tall they get.  I truly don't like fighting with my children and I know they don't like fighting with me because, by now, they know that I will win.  I'm saying that to say, women who have children, never give up your role as mother, never let your children think that they are in control.  Don't wait until you have to prove yourself, to prove yourself.  Once you lose control, you might not ever get it back.  Until next time..."Live your life by loving yourself." 

2010 True Love Magazine Submission...My First $75 Bucks

We met at a pre-Valentine’s Day dance.  The date was February 7^th and we met on the dance floor of a local bowling alley.  I had sworn off dating for the year 2009 because I had been dating since I was 15 and with one failed marriage and several failed relationships in general, I had had enough.  I went to the dance to shake my groove thang and shake off all the negative energy of the past two years.  I certainly wasn’t going out to meet anyone.  I could care less about finding a mate; I wanted to be mate-less this year.  It was my prayer and the prayer of my closest friends that I live man-less, at least for this year. 

While on the dance floor, I can recall this fine, slim, goatee wearing ruff-neck looking dude sliding up behind me as I danced alone to Whoodini’s, The Freaks Come Out at Night.  We danced to that song, as well as all the other fast songs that came on.  It wasn’t until they played a slow jam that I exited the dance floor.  I wasn’t trying to send any mixed signals, so I fled the dance floor.  He stood on the side lines looking towards me and pleading with his eyes for me to join him on the dance floor.  “No way,” I mouthed, as I shook my head to his suggestion.  Another fast song came on and we resumed our place on the dance floor.  We danced until it was time to go and he asked me for my telephone number.  Being a tad bit tipsy from the free drinks that were served, I gave him my number. 

I arrived home later that evening and not a half hour later, he was calling.  We talked on the phone for a whole week before I agreed to see him again.  Mind you, before we met again, he had already claimed me as his wife.  “Um hummmm, you wanna marry me and you don’t even know me, yeah right,” I constantly said.  The next time I saw him was Valentine’s Day.  I arrived where he lived and received a teddy bear with the phrase, “Be My Valentine.”  Two days later a situation occurred where he had to vacate where he was living.  He called me to tell me he was leaving the place that I had visited and moving elsewhere.  Elsewhere was further in the heart of our city and I didn’t care to visit him there.  Coincidentally he moved in with me and believe me it has been the best relationship I have been in since I was fifteen. 

How I know I’m in love is simple.  For the first time in my history, I am involved with a man who knows who he is and is comfortable with who he is.  He is confident and truthful.  What I see is what I get; which is wonderful because I’ve been dealing with guys who pretend to be one thing and then I find out differently and then it’s over.  This guy recognizes what he has and is willing to do whatever to keep it.  Although he is nine years younger than I am, he recognizes that he has a real woman and wants to step up and be a real man.  I know I’m in love because I am totally comfortable in front of him.  He has seen me at my best and my worst.  My life is an open book before him and he accepts me for who I am, as I do him.  One of the things that makes me aware of the fact that I must be in love with this man is the fact that I have opened myself completely to him.  How you might be asking?  Let’s just say that I have never in my 42 years, been comfortable enough in front of a man to be totally human, i.e. expelling natural gas.  “Eeeeewwwwwwwww,” you might be saying, but for me, that is a definitive.  No, it’s not a polite thing to do in front of someone, but we all have the need to do it from time to time.  Me and my fiancé are indeed one and in love.  I can’t wait to tie the knot.

A Heart For My Heart

Here's my first heart for the season.  I started this project some years ago, and every Valentine's Day I pull it out to see if I can make some moolah.  It is my hope that people don't just buy them once a year, but everyday.  Aren't you in love with your sweetie, EVERYday, well not everyday, but most days, right?  So anyway, as you can see, there's a cute, lil lace pocket in the front that you can leave lil messages in, thus the name, Message From the Heart Pillows.  You can leave whatever you want in them actually.  The pocket can hold money, a lil hand-written note, a condom for you comdom users; whatever.   Just wanted to announce to the world that I'm trying to bring the love back into our relationships with the people who we hold dear.  Gone and order your pillow and let the communication begin.  Until next time..."Live your life by loving yourself."

Bitter Sweet Anniversary

"Good morning, baby, love you, happy anniversary," my fiance' said.  I turned my head away from him (went to bed with beer and onions on my breath, I love him way too much to kill him before the day gets started) and repeated the same.  The next words he spoke made me feel really sad.  "Today is also the eighteenth anniversary of my mom dying," he said.  I knew that.  After all, two years ago, when we were still a new couple, we had talked about everything under the sun that first week we were spilling the good, the bad and the ugly details of our past lives, during our lengthy telephone conversations. 

Yep, his mom had passed on the 7th of February, when he was just fifteen years old.  What a terrible age to loose your mom, especially if she was your sole caregiver.  He talked with pride as he revealed their life together.  He was the last of four children so of course he was considered the baby.  He said she ruled with an iron-clad hand and I can tell, because despite his rough persona, he is respectful and knows how to treat a lady; even one that a lesser man would have assaulted long ago, due to a flippy mouth.  Either he knows I'd fight to the death, or his momma taught him never to hit a female unless you were fighting in self-defense, cause he deals with me and my mouth with a patience I've not seen in many.  Oh, here I go, getting off topic, AGAIN. 

Back on topic, sort of...we discussed all the important numbers in our lives.  Right now, I'm 43 and he's 34; the same number backwards.  My birthday and his daughter's birthday are on the same day; August 23.  His birthday is on the thirteenth of April; thirteen is my lucky number.  We met on the anniversary of his mom passing, which is seven days away from Valentine's Day.  For anyone who believes that numerals are important, you're probably getting chills down your spine right about now. 

Okay, really, back on topic...today is a day of celebration for a two year relationship that appears to be on the right track.  It is also a day of mourning as my mate truly does miss his mother, even after all of these years.  He attributes her death to him making some poor choices in life as she left him at a critical point in his life.  It's time out for blaming things on the past and although his mother is not here, God sent him, two years ago, on her death's anniversary, someone who cares about him and his well being.  As a matter of fact, he along with several family members claim that I remind them of her.  With that being said, I feel privileged to be a part of his life, as our anniversary, makes her anniversary a little bit more bearable for him.  Until next time..."Live your life by loving yourself."

Happy Anniversary

Tomorrow, when I wake up, I will be two years into my present relationship.  Two years ago, you couldn't tell me I'd still be working my way towards an alter, two years later.  Over two years ago, I was swearing away any further bonding sessions with the male species.  I was preparing myself to be single, and looking forward to being all that I could be, singly.  But right when I thought I was strong enough to go out on the town and leave the safe confines of my home to shake a tail feather, I wound up meeting the man of my dreams.  This man without a face in my dreams, danced his way into my life and is committed to staying for the long-haul.

I've been in love many times before, so what makes this time any different?  One very important thing is the fact that he is in love back.  I've wrote countless poems in the past, asking the universe why can't someone love me the way that I love them?  Well, the universe finally got tired of me asking and sent me exactly what I've been longing for.  Someone to cherish my love and give it back in return.  Quite frankly, I believe he loves me more than I love him.  How could that be possible, I ask myself on occasion? 

I can't remember the exact scripture, but the Bible mentions all the things that love is and is not...I'd say, there's definitely love in the building.  When you have genuine love in your life, you really do know it.  I mean, if you're in a relationship and you're making due, you still know if it's love or not.  Love is about actions.  One can say they love you, but not show it.  That's like the man that keeps putting his hands on his woman, he may say he loves her a million times, but if he's beating her butt, surely that REALLY can't be love. 

I could go on talking about love till the cows come home, cause that's what someone in love does, but I'll spare you.  Not everyone can handle someone else's good news, so I'll keep some things to myself.  Believe me when I say, I'm not bragging.  I'm just sharing the fact that when you least expect it, love can enter your life and take root, just like hate can.  If you're longing for true love and keep an open heart, even if your lips say you're done, it will eventually come.  No one knows how long it will stay, but while it's there, cherish it and bask in its magical glow.  Love, no matter who you're loving, is the greatest feeling in the world.  Until next time..."Live your life by loving yourself."

Is He the One?

Ladies, I know that when we are lonely, we may settle for men who may not necessarily be right for us.  There are warning signs that may be present from the very beginning, but we choose to ignore them.  Most times, we move into the physical arena way before we even know who we're really dealing with.  By the time we realize that this person may not be someone that compliments our true essence, we've gotten hooked on his "phonics" and then we choose to settle for everything else that comes along with this lacking package. 

Let's decide to be wise on this journey, as we only have one life to live and since we already know that life is often times shorter than we want it to be, we truly need to make better choices as far as who we spend our time with.  If you're a mature-in-age woman like myself, chances are you've been in enough failed relationships to write a book on everything you've learned and then some.  With age comes wisdom, as well as a low-tolerance for the mind games that some men use to manipulate a woman's heart.  Depending on what condition your heart is in, when approached, makes all the difference as to how much you'll tolerate in your next relationship. 

If you're already in a relationship, you need to evaluate your current situation.  Since no relationship is 100% perfect, you've got to weigh the pros and the cons and see if your relationship is worth working on and saving.  Perhaps you've been having major problems in your relationship and you've been contemplating ending it for awhile.  It's still early enough in the year to keep your New Year's resolution, and move on with your life, if you've been threatening to bounce already.  I'm pretty sure that he is waiting on you to make the first move anyway, so go for it.  What do you have to loose?  This probably isn't your first break-up so you already know that the hardest part is making the first step, after that, you'll be kicking yourself for not doing it sooner.

If you're single and looking for Mr. Right, you've got to determine what "right" is for you.  Every one's right is not the same.  More importantly than finding Mr. Right, you have to know what type of relationship you're looking to get into.  Are you looking for someone to just kick it with or someone to build a future with?  A kick-it buddy may have qualities that you would not want to deal with long-term, but are tolerable for a few hours a week.  If you're looking to have a long-term, meaningful relationship, then you're definitely going to have to do some brainstorming with yourself as to what you're really looking for in a prospective mate. 

Just in case no one has ever given you a heads-up to the key ingredients that make relationships work, I'll take the liberty and do so now.  Not necessarily in this order, here are, in my opinion, the most critical elements to a successful relationship: 

1. Communication:  Everyone knows that communication is the key to any successful relationship.  There is good communication and bad communication, but they're both classified as forms of expression.  Silence can be golden, but is not recommended if there's a need for communication.  If you're a communicator, it wouldn't make sense to be involved with someone who does not like to communicate.  That kind of sounds funny; a human who doesn't like to communicate, when it is an essential part of our existence.
2. Trust:  There can never be enough said about the need to be able to trust the person whom you are building a future with.  Without trust, what do you have?  If you answered, doubt, then you are correct.  Well, since this isn't a test, I'll say that you answered exactly as I would have.  Being in doubt is not a great state of mind to be in.  Uncertainty can eat away at a relationship as much as guilt can.  Trust is so critical that we must start demanding that we have it.  Trust should be earned, and if you have trust issues from past relationships, you've got to deal with them first before moving on too quickly to the next unsuspecting guy.  There's nothing worse than accusing your new man of cheating, if you have nothing to base it on.  Contrary to popular belief, all men do not cheat. 
3. Honesty:  Honesty and trust go hand  in hand.  If you're a pretty honest person, pairing up with someone who isn't, is just setting yourself up for future headaches and perhaps heartaches.  Its important to let your prospective mate know that you will not tolerate dishonesty.  If you're building a relationship, the last thing you need in your life is a liar.  So you're a liar yourself, you say, then how dare you expect better from your mate?
4. Compatibility:  Compatibility, in my opinion, should have been closer to number one, but since this list is not in order of importance, I guess it really doesn't matter.  Having similar beliefs is almost a must if you want to ensure that there is as less stress in your relationship as possible.  When two people's minds are in sync, it makes for a lot of peaceful moments.  If you can't see eye to eye on important issues, then they are arguments waiting to happen.  The way to find out if you're compatible with your prospective mate is to communicate relentlessly, at the beginning stages of your relationship.

Those are just a few of the key ingredients that I feel make up the foundation of a successful relationship.  I know for a fact that I left some out, but those are the ones that came to the top of my head.  Trust I'll post on this subject again, as it is very dear to my heart.  For now, meditate on what you've read and get cracking on doing whatever you decide to do.  Your happiness starts in the heart, so take the initiative to bring back the joy in your life, even if you have to go it alone for awhile.  Until next time..."Live your life by loving yourself."